Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
