Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
