The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
