Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
