Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
