Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
