i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
