super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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