Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
