I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
