i permit you to call me
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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