Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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