I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
