I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
