Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize