Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
