wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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