today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
