Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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