I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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