and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
you never un-have a 4some
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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