I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
