I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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