hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
