Pappa wants mamma naked
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize