I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
