How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
