The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
MIDGETS
????
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
