You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
