if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
