According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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