i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
