im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
