I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
