Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
