i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
