This is not my ceiling
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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