were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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