Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
