Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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