sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
