I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
