Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Randomize
