my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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