Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
They are going to name an STD after you.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
