someone threw a dead crab at me
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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