I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
