4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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