Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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