**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
