I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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