Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
