Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
