Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize