I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
