when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
