I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
