She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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