Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize