boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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