My ATM looks so different sober.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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