Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize