Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I need water and some morals
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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